Why Am I So Hard on Myself?
Overthinking previous conversations is a common sign of a strong inner-critic.
You leave your weekly team meeting at work feeling stupid and embarrassed. Your team was asked to brainstorm ideas for a new project and you offered an idea that excited you. Your boss didn’t like the idea but wasn’t mean about being disinterested. She said, “That idea isn’t too bad but it’s not the best fit for what this project calls for.” Your stomach dropped. You could feel embarrassment washing over you and your face becoming flushed.
When you walked out of that meeting you tried everything
to look unaffected but you felt like a complete idiot.
You think to yourself, “How could I be so stupid? Of course my idea wasn’t right for this project. I should have known to suggest something better. What an idiot. Everyone probably thinks I’m stupid and won’t want to hear any more of my ideas in meetings.”
You promise yourself to not share any more ideas unless you’re sure the boss will approve. From now on, you’ll spend even more time preparing for the weekly meeting to avoid this type of embarrassment. You ask your closest co-worker how they remember the meeting. They say, “What are you talking about? I don’t really remember what you said. I’m sure it’s fine. No one was probably paying that much attention.”
This doesn’t relieve you in the slightest. Now you feel even worse. You spend the whole weekend working on ideas for next week. Your standards are high and you’ll work as much as you need to to show everyone you’re an intelligent and reliable teammate.
What does being hard on yourself actually look like?
You might not know all the ways you are hard on yourself. Here are some ways this could show up in your day to day life:
Turning a mistake into a judgment about your character.
Feeling that your accomplishments don't count because you could have done more.
Replaying conversations to identify what you said wrong.
Feeling guilty when you rest, ask for help, or disappoint someone.
Holding yourself to standards you would never impose on another person.
Struggling to accept reassurance because you can always find another reason you fell short.
When something doesn’t go according to your plan you decide that what you did says something fundamentally bad about who you are. Any mistake feels catastrophic and you can’t move past it easily.
Why might you have developed such a harsh relationship with yourself?
People can develop harsh self-criticism in different ways. For some people, being hard on themself was a way to stay safe or connected. Consider a small child whose parent berated them if they came home with a B+ or an A- on a school test. Over time, a child will learn that to stay connected they need to perform at exceptionally high levels at all times. Anything less feels like a risk that harms their connection to caretakers.
For others, self-criticism became a way to manage uncertainty. If being prepared, competent, or one step ahead reduced the chance of something going wrong, self-criticism may have become a way of trying to prevent future mistakes. For some, achievement became tied to worth. Praise for being responsible, smart, helpful, or successful may have gradually made it difficult to feel valuable without performing.
And sometimes, self-criticism is reinforced by current circumstances. A demanding environment, repeated disappointments, or relationships in which someone feels perpetually evaluated can intensify the pattern.
It’s important to remember that even similar childhood experiences can affect people differently. What matters most is coming to understand your unique experiences and their impact on your life in the present day.
What if being hard on yourself feels like it's helping?
Many people hold tight to their harsh inner critic. It is completely normal to fear what would happen if you stopped holding yourself to such intense standards. Your response to the idea of reducing the intensity of your self criticism may sound like this:
"If I stop pushing myself, I'll become lazy."
"If I don't review every mistake, I'll keep making them."
"If I don't hold myself accountable, nobody else will."
"If I stop trying so hard, people will be disappointed in me."
Self-criticism sometimes functions as an attempt to maintain control, prevent rejection, avoid mistakes, or motivate change. It may feel protective or useful in the short term even when it becomes exhausting over time.
The invitation here is to become curious about what the pattern of self-criticism seems to accomplish for you. This is the work that psychotherapy can support people through.
How to begin understanding your own self-criticism
Your internal critic isn’t just going to disappear nor is that what’s being suggested. Instead, bringing curiosity to your emotions can be a great place to start.
What tends to happen just before you become critical of yourself?
What are you afraid this mistake, disagreement, or disappointment might mean?
What do you imagine would happen if you didn't push yourself so hard?
Does this way of speaking to yourself remind me of anything I've experienced before?
What does criticizing yourself help you avoid feeling, risking, or confronting?
The goal isn't to force yourself to stop thinking critically. It's to start recognizing the pattern and understanding the circumstances in which it emerges.
Some people may discover fear underneath their self-criticism. Others may recognize shame, pressure, anger, or a learned expectation that they must always do better. There doesn't have to be one correct answer.
You don't have to shame yourself into changing
There’s a difference between accountability and self-punishment. You can acknowledge that reflecting on mistakes, taking responsibility, and wanting to grow are valuable. The question is whether someone can do those things without turning every shortcoming into evidence that they aren't good enough.
Understanding why you're hard on yourself isn't about finding an excuse for every mistake or convincing yourself that everything you do is good enough. It's about understanding the relationship you've developed with yourself, what that relationship asks of you, and whether the way you treat yourself is actually helping you build the life and relationships you want.
Therapy can provide a space to explore where these patterns developed and why they continue, particularly when simply telling yourself to be kinder hasn't made much difference.
Carley Irwin, Licensed Professional Counselor
Carley’s work explores the patterns underneath anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing, trauma, and relationship difficulties, with an emphasis on developing more choice, connection, and ease in your life and relationships.
In-Person and Virtual Sessions Available for Adult Individuals and Couples in Akron, Ohio. Therapy with a special focus on supporting men, LGBTQ+ clients, and neurodivergent adults.
Are you ready to start understanding yourself better
and living a more satisfying and connected life?
Schedule a Free 15 minute consultation to learn more about therapy with me.
